On Thursday, November 25, 2010 at 12:56:47 PM UTC-8, small Pox wrote:
> On Nov 25, 2:10 am, Xah Lee <xah...@gmail.com> wrote:
> > On Nov 24, 2:02 pm, Xah Lee <xah...@gmail.com> wrote:
> >
> > > just learned that one of my best friend, one of world's top expert of
> > > the Mathematica language, died, last month.
> >
> > > • 〈Robby Villegas Died (1968-2010)〉http://xahlee.org/math/Robby_Villegas.html
> >
> > so, apparantly, he killed himself.
> >
> > not lisp related, but i thought it is interetsing to many here,
> > becuase Robby is very interested in computer languages, and share with
> > many of us being ubberly socially inept and frustrated. (he's not a
> > emacs users. Occationally uses vi. I think he's main editor is NEdit
> > (if he hasn't changed since 1990s). Yes he's a linux user. Became a
> > Redhat linux user as his main machine in late 1990s. You could find
> > many of his writings in comp.soft-sys.math.mathematica, but i believ
> > they all dates in the mid 1990s. He's a extremely keep-to-himself
> > guy.) He's also the first computer programer that i got to know in
> > real meat space, who hates Windows and Microsoft.
> >
> > -----------------------------------------------
> > Robby's Goodbye Notes
> >
> > Apparantly, Robby killed himself. There's this memorial page posted by
> > Robby's friends on his site at: Source. Reading it, i came across
> > several Wolfram employees i remember having met, some i recognize as
> > Robby's good friends. In it, there's this post, apparantly Robby's
> > goodbye note.
> >
> > Robby via Christina Szabo Says:
> > October 7th, 2010 at 9:54 pm
> >
> > Robby wanted to “give some explanation to people in general” and
> > asked
> > me to post this, which he wrote. -Christina
> >
> > Subject: the end is important in all things
> >
> > Robby Villegas October 2 at 7:17am
> >
> > Depression, and even more so, physical exhaustion, continues to
> > claim more and more of my life, to render a larger percentage of each
> > day either unusable, or a sloggin, dragging fight to keep myself
> > upright just to get through the basics of my day. On top of fatigue, a
> > few years ago I began to develop a tendency toward anxiety, which
> > gradually became more frequent and of faster onset, throwing a specter
> > of borderline panic attacks over many of my activities. Eventually, I
> > was taking partial doses of my prescription sleep medication
> > *preemptively* before simple activities like skating class, meeting
> > friends at a bar, going to a theater, or spending an evening studying
> > at a cafe.
> >
> > The sleep and exhaustion problems that forced me to suddenly quit
> > working in January 2007 have gradually worsened, and I have run out of
> > means at this point.
> >
> > More important than financial means, though: the ratio of quality
> > of life to pained struggling has passed a threshold. Eventually, I’ll
> > forget what it even felt like to be happy, the memories of what I was
> > will fade further, I won’t be able to appreciate any of the good parts
> > of life, and I’ll be bitter, not even a shadow of my self.
> >
> > This must not happen. For many years, I have felt that some day
> > I’d have to make that call that it’s time to go; that most of the good
> > stuff was past, and the proportion of hope and new joy to the pain and
> > effort that goes into rallying would fall too low I want to go out
> > while I can still reflect on the good things, and go out really
> > feeling and believing “I lived.”
> >
> > Worse than the death of the body is the death of pieces of the
> > self while still alive, and the memories that provide conviction that
> > there was a lot worth being here for, while it lasted.
> >
> > In retrospect, I probably should have made this call last winter,
> > or at the very latest, early summer, given that the last few months
> > have had a marked dulling effect on me. But, two decades of fighting
> > depression, rallying through many dozens of life-hating and self-
> > hating episodes ranging from bad patches to truly close calls, and
> > being thankful I did each time I got a “new lease on life” that was
> > followed by more of the worthwhile stuff of life … two decades of that
> > makes it *intensely* difficult to make that final call.
> >
> > Albeit more weary and dull than I’ve ever been, I am thankful that
> > there’s enough left of me to look back (even with difficulty) and
> > appreciate all the good people, activities, and interests that made My
> > Life worth living during that time. So it is perhaps not too late to
> > exit while there’s a reasonable amount left of Me.
> >
> > Yours in truth,
> > Robby “R. Scott”
> >
> > Not sure what to say.
> >
> > Robby has told me in around 2004 to 2005, our last big exchange, that
> > he has serious insomnia problems. But i don't recall any serious
> > depression. Actually, i remember now he has told me that he had
> > depression episodes, which i did too, and we chatted our experiences.
> > But i recall it's all past tense, and this chat was in 1995.
> > (depression is hard to define) But i didn't know it was getting to the
> > point of killing himself, but again, for certain type of persons who
> > are not emotionally responsive (i.e. cold, lone, type, who hide their
> > emotions or unable to express it), it could happen on any seemingly
> > good day. Robby is extremely sensitive to stress and pressure. He's
> > the type of nice guy who find it hard to say no, and when he actually
> > had to, it's after huge mental struggle.
> >
> > So i guess, for a personality as lone as me and Robby, i can't say i
> > feel particular regret or inappropriateness on Robby's act of killing
> > himself. He didn't feel worthwhile to live on, so he had to go. I
> > certainly wished things could be different, and wished that we'd have
> > communicated about his situation. I believe, if i told him of my
> > personal situation, he'd feel better. We certainly would have great
> > conversations about the pros and cons on methods of suicide, in fact i
> > believe we had such a conversation before. I missed a friend, who is
> > one of the greatest unsung expert of Mathematica, of which, i could
> > certainly use some help, and as a alley in the war on computer
> > languages.
> >
> > In the future, i'll dig up some of Robby's emails and post here.
> >
> > The world has 6.5 billions of people. Due to the incredible advances
> > of communication tech, especially the internet, we the masses get to
> > see all sort of weirdos and behaviors directly. (e.g. shown in shock
> > sites, 4chan, etc.) And, in the past 5 years, we greatly see many
> > suicides (on facebook et al), and in many cases, literally watched
> > thru online video someone killing himself.
> >
> > Am not sure where am going with this, but i guess let's open even more
> > communication. Legalize suicide. Stop censorship of all sorts except
> > things like how to make nuclear bomb. We don't like pain, and we don't
> > want to see our friends to choose to end their life. But we don't want
> > whatever problems that leads to that path. Hiding and banning is not
> > going to help. More open info, more communication, we can have more
> > understanding of us the human animals, and more happiness with us and
> > our friends. Maybe Robby had biologically rooted psychogical problems.
> > But am sure, whatever his suffering of depression, can be helped
> > better if whatever caused his stress, socially induced self-loathing,
> > closet inhibitions (such as gay people), parental or family problems,
> > can be reduced. Tolerate, and appreciate, your friends, co-workers, or
> > strangers, while they are alive.
> >
> > It's kinda sad that many of my math friends, died in recent years.
> > Perhaps it just means am getting old.
> >
> > Xah
> I find it COMPASSIONATE that WOLF RAM Research Incorporated after
> milking such a smart person did not give him safety cushion in his
> time of difficulty. This is in line with the corporate operational
> policy of bernard madoffs, roman polanskys, wolf rams, larry ellis
> islanders, and neocons.
> Even stalin cried and led the funerals of his comrades whom he had
> used his jewish doctors to kill.
> I urge everyone to read the great ebook, the sale and manufacture of
> saint einstein.
> postings like mine are needed to get the google censhorship crew to
> wake up and remove the porn postings barraged by CIA criminals. It is
> well known that they are targetting minorities with drugs and various
> marijuana and porn.
> Mathematica is LISP IN DISGUISE. Wolf Ram stole the idea from lisp.
> Its R-LISP. The guy who came up with R-LISP was also doing some
> physics calculations at Stanford. Wolf Ram was doing at Caltech. The
> fundamental object of Lisp is the cons cell or pair or list and with
> nesting.
> The fundamental object of Mathematica is table - really a cheap
> attempt to pretend NOVELTY. A table is atleast a pair. A symbol-value
> table of one row is a pair.
> THE GREATEST TRIBUTE THAT CAN BE GIVEN TO THIS PERSON IS TO MAKE SURE
> THAT HIS IDEAS DO NOT BECOME LOST AND BECOME THE MONOPOLY OF A SNAKEs
> OF A CORPORATIONs BUT BENEFIT THE HUMANITY AT LARGE.
> THE GREATEST TRIBUTE THAT CAN BE GIVEN TO THIS PERSON IS TO MAKE SURE
> THAT HIS IDEAS DO NOT BECOME LOST AND BECOME THE MONOPOLY OF A SNAKEs
> OF A CORPORATIONs BUT BENEFIT THE HUMANITY AT LARGE.
> THE GREATEST TRIBUTE THAT CAN BE GIVEN TO THIS PERSON IS TO MAKE SURE
> THAT HIS IDEAS DO NOT BECOME LOST AND BECOME THE MONOPOLY OF A SNAKEs
> OF A CORPORATIONs BUT BENEFIT THE HUMANITY AT LARGE.
> THE GREATEST TRIBUTE THAT CAN BE GIVEN TO THIS PERSON IS TO MAKE SURE
> THAT HIS IDEAS DO NOT BECOME LOST AND BECOME THE MONOPOLY OF A SNAKEs
> OF A CORPORATIONs BUT BENEFIT THE HUMANITY AT LARGE.
> publish them in the clearest manner in an accumulation for free. if
> they are clear then they wont take many pages, lot of effort. If they
> are published openly, they will get refined automatically and get
> added. Maybe a wikipedia article saying the fundamental ideas or an
> anonymous pdf posted on forums. or a wikileak doc.
>
> THE MANUFACTURE AND SALE OF
> SAINT EINSTEIN
> By Christopher Jon Bjerknes
> 2,825 page treatise on Einstein's plagiarism, Einstein's Zionism,
> history of Zionism, racism, Judaism, and more. The complete book The
> Manufacture and Sale of Saint Einstein in one 17 Mb. PDF file can be
> downloaded by clicking on this link: http://www.jewishracism.com/SaintEinstein.pdf