Thinking about Jadzia, C.G., and our ephemeral digital lives
============================================================
By Josh Renaud
Nov. 23, 2022

Synchronet creator Rob Swindell recently shared some sad news:
longtime BBSer C.G. Learn died earlier this month.

<https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/timesdispatch/name/
c-learn-obituary?id=37799042>

I didn't know C.G. very well, but we interacted occasionally over the
years on Dovenet, a message network for Synchronet BBSes. But I'll
never forget one kind gesture that C.G. extended to me after my
daughter died in 2020, at a moment when I was trying to capture any
fragments of memory, any evidence of her short time on earth.

<https://breakintochat.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/
jadzia-birthday.png>

[An ANSI screen I created for Jadzia's birthday in 2013. (Yes, it's a
GIF-to-ANSI conversion. I didn't have the skill to do portraits back
then)]

When Jadzia was around 7 or 8 years old, I set up a private BBS just
for our family. My hope was that it would be a safe space where she
could get her first taste of online life: sending email, posting
public messages, playing games.

It did prove to be exactly that: a safe, fun place. Jadzia used the
BBS on and off for about five years, interacting with me and very
occasionally with her sisters and grandparents. But mostly it was
just me and her. Our place.

<https://breakintochat.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/
jadzia-bbs-message-1.png>

[A message from Jadzia to me with some ideas for the nascent Jewel
Mountain game.]

Of course, BBS games really need other players to be much fun. And so
I added a gateway to the Valhalla TradeWars Game Server. This was a
public server, established by C.G. Learn, used by many BBSers. Jadzia
really loved playing in the games hosted there.

Over time, she used the BBS less and less. In middle school, she had
a Chromebook from school, and later we gave her a phone. With those
tools in hand, plus access to Facebook, Twitter, and the rest, who
needed a BBS?

I eventually opened the BBS, Guardian of Forever, to the public, but
I kept our family area private and only accessible to us.

<http://guardian.synchro.net/>

<https://breakintochat.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/
guardian-new.png>

[Logon ANSI for Guardian of Forever BBS.]

Then came Jadzia's unexpected death in June 2020. She was nearly 15,
and looking forward to her sophomore year of high school, while also
living with worries about the pandemic unfolding around us. Jadzia
was born with Marfan Syndrome, a connective tissue disorder which
affected her heart, and she died peacefully in her sleep.

<https://www.joshrenaud.com/family/archives/2020/06/
jadzias-obituary.html>

<https://marfan.org/>

In the weeks and months after Jadzia died, I realized that the BBS
was a frozen-in-amber time capsule of a part of Jadia's life. I
re-read the collaborative stories that we tried to write on the
Stories forum. I revisited the emails she sent me with different
ideas for the Jewel Mountain game that she wanted to me to make for
the BBS. I re-watched some of the ANSI art she drew on the networked
Synchronet graffiti wall.

Later I started thinking about TradeWars. Jadzia loved the game and
spent a lot of time playing, far more time than I ever could.
TradeWars, like so many BBS games, has several built-in mechanisms
for leaving public messages. Might Jadzia have posted a message
somewhere within one of the games she played on?

<https://breakintochat.com/blog/2019/07/19/
gary-martin-creator-tradewars-2002/>

For various reasons, C.G. had taken his TradeWars server down a few
years ago. So I reached out to ask him if he might put it back online
so I could go hunting for lost bits of Jadzia. He very kindly obliged.

I poked around the various games on his server. I didn't find what I
hoped--probably the games had been reset long before--but I will
never forget C.G.'s willingness to help in my time of sadness.

Our BBS also had a local TradeWars game, though. And when I checked
there, lo and behold--I found something. On the "bathroom wall" of
the Lost Trader's Tavern, a young Jadzia had posted the following
funny (and helpful!) advice to other players:

> Thou Shalt Not Talk To Ye Trader In Ye Back. He Is Expensive And
> His Answers Are Dumb. Beware, Traders. Beware Of Ye Trader In Ye
> Back!!!

<https://breakintochat.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/
jadzia-bbs-message-3.png>

[A message left by Jadzia within our local BBS's TradeWars game.]

Our digital world, like our own lives, is ephemeral.

Photos, text messages, and documents can disappear in an instant,
destroyed by hardware failure. Malicious hackers. Corporate collapse.
Family members who toss out our old equipment.

I know I can't capture everything about Jadzia. She's gone from this
life. But I'm glad for the bits that I did save, and for the moments
of joy they give me.

And I'm thankful for the kindness of folks like C.G. May he rest in
peace.

From: <https://breakintochat.com/blog/2022/11/23/
ruminations-on-jadzia-c-g-and-our-ephemeral-digital-lives/>